IC NEWS ROUNDUP – JULY 2650

[Brody]

Bounty assigned to casino bandits

VALSHO, ANTIMONE – Yantos Gazz, chief of security for the Lucky Knuckle Casino, is offering a bounty of 25,000 credits for each suspect captured – dead or alive – in connection with a heist at the casino earlier this week.

Anyone interested in pursuing a mercenary contract with the casino is urged to contact Gazz directly.

“We feel it’s critical to send a message to others who might consider a similar endeavor,” Gazz said.

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Terraforming money would fund vaccinations

SAN ANGELES, EARTH – Money cut from the Martian terraforming subsidy would instead be used to vaccinate children of poverty throughout the Stellar Consortium.

That’s according to Edwin Blades, an Earth representative on the Consortium Council who chairs the finance committee. He spoke in response to accusations by Martian representative Rafael Santiago that the council intends to use the money for pork barrel projects.

“If the honorable Mr. Santiago wants to let children die for the shadow of a chance that Mars might be terraformed *one day in the distant future*, then he is welcome to make that argument in the next meeting of the full council,” Blades said.

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Earth man smothers in Fizzy Cake wrappers

BITHLO, FLORIDA – A 34-year-old Earth man was found dead today, buried beneath a smothering hoard of plastic wrappers from tens of thousands of Fizzy Cakes.

The victim, Ray Earl Raymond, apparently ate the snack cakes almost exclusively – and fed them to his massively obese and now diabetic corgis.

It appears Raymond tripped and fell into the pile, which was at least four feet deep, and inadvertantly inhaled enough wrappers to clog his airways.

Coroners estimate it took several minutes to die. His face was sticky with dog saliva.

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Fungus plagues Demarian gladiators

ALHIRA, DEMARIA – Medics working recent battle cage matches in the arena on Demaria confirm that a particularly nasty fungus has spread among gladiators who use the same facilities.

The fungus causes intense itchiness, sore throat, and makes fur fall off in patches. It’s not clear how the infection started or where the fungus comes from.

Officials worry that it may have started as an act of terrorism by opponents of the combat sport.

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Choi Eunji leaves SME

Media conglomerate SME, the managing company for girl group Joie, confirmed Choi Eunji has left the group as well as the company earlier today.

Joie, founded with seven members in 2043, achieved mainstream success on a variety of promotions. Reports from within the group claim Choi was disagreeable and the other members requested that she be removed from the group. Neither Choi nor SME have responded to requests for more details on the reason for her departure.

Currently Joie is expected to continue to promote with only six members. Choi has not released any details on her future plans.

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Shuttle network reports outages

SHALYARIS, CENTAURI – Consortium Amalgamated Transport, the company that manages automated shuttle flights throughout the Orion Arm, confirmed that dozens of flights were affected by technical issues today.

A spokesperson for CAT told CBN that data routed through the century-old Fort Clatsop relay network between Earth and Alpha Centauri got lost due to a blown circuit. As a result, at least 30 shuttles were stranded as their autopilot systems were stuck in perpetual ping loops, trying to determine the next step of their route.

All flights are now reported to be moving again. Technicians repaired the faulty sensor relay, but CAT officials indicated that the time is long overdue to upgrade the relays.

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Hackers score genetic motherlode

GRAND ENAJ, SIVAD – Authorities on Sivad confirmed today that hackers broke into the servers for the Bright Horizons genetic lab and stole DNA data for millions of patients, including wealthy private citizens, politicians, and celebrities.

The stolen data also identifies any augmentations made to the genetic structure of the compromised individuals, ranging from limb repair to disease deterrent to cosmetic enhancements.

No word yet on how the hackers managed to bypass at least a dozen complicated firewalls, but officials aren’t ruling out inside assistance for the incident.

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Consortium weighs Nall embassy proposal

SAN ANGELES, EARTH – The Consortium Council may soon vote on whether to normalize diplomatic relations with the Parallax. If that happens, sources tell CBN, it could result in embassies for both governments on their respective central worlds.

Reinhart Devrees, chief ambassador for the Consortium, wouldn’t comment on the specifics of any negotiations that might be in progress. He did speak on the prospect of exchanging diplomats with the Nall, who are known more for their aggressive territorial expansion efforts than measured discussions.

“Obviously, the Consortium would welcome the opportunity to live as equals with our potential allies in the Parallax,” he said.

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Martian councillor denounces Nall embassy plan

OLYMPIA DOME, MARS — Shortly after news broke of the upcoming vote in the council to normalize diplomatic relations with the Nall Parallax, Councillor Santiago was quick to jump on the opportunity to denouce the upcoming vote.

“A vote for opening a dialogue and eventual embassy with the Parallax is a vote in support of a brutal empire. The record on the Nall is quite clear. Why would be want to even entertain this idea? We should be moving to support the oppressed worlds, and millions of enslaved sentients under the Nall regieme. What next? Business and ecomonic opportunities with them?”

The councillor indicated that Mars would vote against the motion, and urged all non-Earth members to vote against the motion as well.

“Earth is far from the Parallax, but many of the other Consortium worlds are much closer. This poses the greatest security risk of our time. I will be personally meeting with every councillor to build a coalition against this absurd idea.”

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Choi Eunji plans solo debut

Choi Eunji, formerly of Earth based girl group Joie, released a teaser video today for her planned solo debut.

The teaser is only fifteen seconds long, but promises a full debut by the end of August, most of which is dark and only portrays Eunji in silhouettes throughout.

Choi Eunji was released from her contract from SME earlier this month. SME has not released any details for Joie’s next comeback.

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Nall may release accused spy

SAN ANGELES, EARTH – Parallax diplomats today sent word to Consortium government headquarters on Earth that it may soon release imprisoned “spy” Lenore Browder.

Browder, an analyst with the Consortium Intelligence Service who superiors insist never worked as a field agent, was taken into custody by the Nall on Grimlahd on espionage charges after an incident in 2635. Her accusers claimed that she was in league with insurgents fighting the Nall occupation.

It appears that Browder’s release, which could come within the next few days, may be an olive branch to help improve the odds of rekindled diplomatic relations between the Consortium and Parallax.

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